At the bar

Tonight I went to a bar

I didn't want to get drunk

I wasn't invited by a friend

I wasn't lost either

I didn't choose that bar

I just felt so lonely I wanted to see people

to be with people but to be left alone

I stayed a long time in that bar

long enough to attract attention

so I went to the bathroom

long enough to be forgotten

I felt so lonely I wanted

to listen to all those people

who didn't seem to be as fine

as their laugh claimed to be

I wanted to sit down and hug them

but I also wanted to observe them

just look at them from a distance

to not get involved

because I was already sad enough

for a whole human being to drown

I went to that bar for

some form of closure

I went to the bar and I wrote

and I listened to music

but I didn't really write

and didn't really listen

I went to that bar

to meet the love of my life

who'd see through the notepad

and the earphones

who'd notice the sideway glances

who'd see through the subterfuge

of raising my eyes to the ceiling

to find inspiration, pen clicking on teeth

I had no choice but to go to that bar

to find out that she wasn't there

but I wanted to hear her voice so much

I don't know what it sounds like

but I'll recognise it in a flash of lightning

I went to a bar tonight

I wanted to be invited by a friend

I wanted to get drunk

I wanted it to be my favourite bar

and turn this endless night into a feast

packed with fun and peals of laughters

I went to that bar tonight

hoping I'd befriend someone nice

hoping they could show me

how to sing along,

who could teach me the lyrics

to that song we call life

I stayed long enough

I was the only one left

just to make sure

she wouldn't turn up anyway

her face flushed, her hair a mess,

muttering excuses I didn't care about

because she had finally come

I would just hug her

till they kicked us out

I realised I stayed in that bar

and I was invisible to everyone

and it made me lonelier than before

even though I wanted to be alone

because I wanted to be acknowledged

I wanted to have a friendly hand on my back

and one extended ahead of my unawkward body

to introduce me to other friends

This is why I went to that bar

because I am a walking petrified conundrum

a wrecking ball of awkwardness and of love

I'm so lonely I'm sure it shows

and perhaps people know

that it'll be different

as soon as she steps into the bar

and sees me for what I am

yet I sort of wish they felt

what I feel, though not in a bad way

I just want them to feel the pain

to palpate the sadness in my stomach

and prescribe a daily dose of friendship,

a shot of laughter, a pill of love

I went to a bar to ask my love

how her day at work went

and we'd laugh it all off

she'd stroke my cheek

I'd smile to her

and mouth I love you

and she'd mouth I love you too

and I'd tear up inside

with thousands of butterflies

beating their wings like mad

I know I could be as happy as I'm lonely right now

if she could just teleport in the bar

from wherever in the world she is right now

all these years of heartache wiped out in a second

even a fraction of a second

I'd turn into a well of joy and of love

and I'd never need to go back to that bar

unless I wanted to sit at that same spot

I sat to realise how far I've come.