Take a pill

happenstance happened quietly

nobody yelled or beat their chest

no drama really

it was as easy as the dull rest

like an over-the-counter-morning-after pill

for minor catastrophes

just as things went downhill

up went the fees

no one cared though, it was mesmerizing

so much chaos so superbly orchestrated

a caprioling murmuration of starlings

in the vespertine dusk 'fore the endless night

we let it happen because –

no point trying really since –

something without no real cause

no real consequences

would we remember it years from now

would we remember the when and the how

best be buried with the whole shebang

lest it start growing a sharp set of fangs

 

Le grand cambriolage

Sometimes I wish somebody broke into my flat

and burgled everything – even the books

even my clothes – nothing even to be sat

and nought but dust sheeping in the nooks.

I'd then be homeless and run with the gale

cross deserts and all them little brooks

I've been dreaming of as if the grail –

I'd then be free from everything that hooks.

I frankly don't know what's pinning me down here –

everywhere I seem to be turning my looks

I see nothing but madness tier upon tier

I see nothing but what the mind snaps and crooks –

Yet everyone content with the same outlooks

– only I at peace with what reality brings –

while all seem arrayed in ready-to-burn stooks

while all see the essence in booze, drugs and flings.

Sometimes I wish somebody broke into my flat

so I could finally shirk off this pack of rooks

and go my own way for this isn't my combat –

to each their own fading bliss in their own fading books.

 

Games

Children play-pretend they're adult

playing dead

because there's nothing else to do

every day

at four on the

gameless playground

mirror shards beaming

like a sniper's red dot on the forehead

killing on sight

no cover, even in the dark of

the abandoned shack –

recreational death

mimicking that outside

the other one the adults play

and can't stop talking about

dismembering locusts

recreating death

because pain is not felt

but it feels good to bring it

– heck yeah it does –

perhaps even going as far as

dancing around the carcasses

because rituals have to start somewhen

and all those black threads

covering everything

all stemming from the one broom –

children feel like witches

riding the dark night –

it covers the sounds

muffles your footsteps

no-one can hear you or

the kite-runners of Karachi

– we know what happens to kite-runners:

they either get caught or thunderstruck –

children hopscotch from earth to heaven

sometimes on shards of botched buildings

crudely chalked on the patched playground

the game is avoid stumbling

over the pitfalls, over the graves –

to be underground is to be forgotten

if only until after the living's to return –

no children game is ever innocent

and the adults play-pretend children

contradict in terms:

children playing grown-ups

and adults pretend they're Peter Pans

because too much reality isn't fun, right –

the preferred oblivion of

a doll which will obey our every wish

a delirious dance in a nightclub

the costumed thrill of a carnival

no game is ever innocent

aiming at some lower point

the elusive in-between

where everything comes to life –

sometimes a squeaking, squawking bike

endlessly circling in a closed patio

and a little imagination is all it takes

– but is that even innocent now –

Exposition “Jeux, rituels et récréations”, Gare Saint-Sauveur, Lille, 2017

 

The quiet life

A pound of flesh is a pound of truth

the selfsame self in silence and fury

tied to freedom, unstoppable

funnelled by one's own choices.

Silence in solitude

fury in revels

silence in sleep

fury in destruction.

Dancing around ruins

unashamed and unconscious

– impressions on the mind

must be as red-hot irons –

zeitgeist margin in a satellite centre

going down as the world goes down

plummets like an asteroid

because it is bound to go down.

Chaos as the norm and the everyday

no fixed point but self-preservation

building up of one's own reality

no other voice inside but that which

exalts the brute

and feeds the drowsy rage

quieting what might have been a voice

– stifling conscience –

making sense of the inconsistencies

square will nonetheless fit into triangle

with justified ends and means

so as to sleep the sleep of the just.

Bound in fury and silence

unthinking each next step

but having prophetic dreams about it

in which truth is fleshed out –

but is silenced in the fury.

This, is her quiet life.

 

Fardels bear

"We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight."

Juvenal, poet (circa 60-140 AD)
 

Innocent

She wept softly that she was innocent –

the shell of the barn still smoking

sizzling beams fireflying in the dusk –

the smoke blending in the near-darkness

stinging the eyes and the nostrils

keenly unseeing and unsmelling the body

at all costs – that she was innocent –

they had tied her hands to the oak –

anger mounting, the horses restless,

the women shivering in the chill –

judgement had to be passed quickly –

there was no way she could be innocent –

yet she pleaded, and looked harmless,

but she was uncannily beautiful –

many confessed to the blaze in their belly

which was everything but innocent –

that poor lad here had paid the price in full

for yielding to the lure of her beauty –

'twas best the barn had burnt – but innocent? –

they all knew her to be odd, and lusty –

she herself knew to be innocent – innocent –

cinders in her hair and on her hands a charred scent.

 

Within comfortable range

"The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum -- even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate."

Noam Chomsky, linguistics professor and political activist (1928)
 

Beauty on canvas

The girl with the pearl

set the world a-whirl

to then the following year

be mowed down by the Reaper

 

Last one awake

Every evening

of every day

I have to be

the last one awake

Just to make sure

– everyone's safe

– none has to be

the last one awake

The first one up

to watch over

them all even

the last one to wake

The nights are short

but all worth it

there's joy to be

the last one awake

At times it hurts

to stay awake

but I'll always be

the last one awake

And if there be

once I shouldn't

then let me be

the last one to wake

 

Reality check

"I don't believe in playing down to children, either in life or in motion pictures. I didn't treat my own youngsters like fragile flowers, and I think no parent should. Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. Life is composed of lights and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from reality."

Walt Disney, entrepreneur and animator (1901-1966)
 

Centripetal gyration

"I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world. I may not complete this last one but I will try."

Rainer Maria Rilke, poet and novelist (1875-1926)
 

Watching a glacier move

"It was not conscious. There was no recognition in it of one's fortune, or fate, and for that very reason even to those dazed with watching for the last shivers of consciousness on the faces of the dying, consoling.

Forgetfulness in people might wound, their ingratitude corrode, but this voice, pouring endlessly, year in, year out, would take whatever it might be; this vow; this van; this life; this procession; would wrap them all about and carry them on, as in the rough stream of a glacier the ice holds a splinter of bone, a blue petal, some oak trees, and rolls them on."

Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway (1925)

Drifting still

"Normal is the average of deviance."

Rita Mae Brown, writer (b. 1944)
 

The Hours

She had not come, she had not yet come.

The waiting, the longing, the unmoving

in each of these stretched-past-breaking-point hours

the hole that can't be filled

in the pit of the stomach

the hunger pushing the boundaries

of the hours, of solitude, a bit further off

she had not yet come, not yet come

and she dug her absence with a pick axe

laboriously, apparition ploughing in the dark

silent against a clear backdrop

She had not yet come.

Of course, one doubted she would ever come

the hours reached cosmic dimensions

almost ridiculous in their order of magnitude,

density and aloofness

Yet sometimes in the search one would find

a smoking camp-fire

steaming coffee on the stove

wet trees and grass one mile away

whence no rain had fallen

a tinge of peppermint in the air

a hair hanging off a warm pillow

It was hard to make sense of the hours.

They were not pointing in any clear direction

they dragged and eluded description

showing and veiling

the hours, the hours

both filling and containing the void

the restlessness, the fidgeting,

the looking-for-reasons

the paralysis and the purpose to get up

to brush up one's teeth and one's knowledge

the impetus to not put commas

to par one's fingernails

They were the inherent contradiction

the dryness and luxuriance of the world

that which rendered all words empty

and gave them meaning, new meanings

sucking life out of every second

breathing her mind back into them

It was foretold she would burst like a hurricane

and turn the whole world upside-down

leaving carcasses of animals and cars

and a foot of caking mud

a glistening sense of agony

a jungle-like silence

and sudden gusts of wind

that sent shivers up the spine

and then other hours will come

freed prisoner scratching the days

before the next meeting

off the invisible wall of his cell

other hours will grip and churn

curled up, foetus-like, in pain

seeing things that are, and aren't,

unable to differentiate

these other hours one will not court

will hammer in certain intuitions

among which holding sway over one's mind

the certitude that one will hurt

will die from this last hurtle-down love

because there is too little and too much of it

giving and taking as rampaging crusaders

ruining to build anew

burning down to fertilise the ground

these hours will make wormfood out of you

they will sow anger in the lap of your heart

those same hours that have levelled

mountains down to sand

won't even cock their ear

at the crushing of your skull

the hours etching their distinctive mark

over every action and thought

even on the foam in the mug of coffee

the hours are like letting go

of that which is still yours

making a memory off a living person

off a moment that would never come to pass

and the holding-back when she wakes up

at fucking long last

and needs time, more time

and it feels this is all you have

all you have left

the time without her

even after she had come

the waiting

the hours metronoming your heart

making you dream of Maghera cave

and the waves beating the sand

into the wind

and for some reason

you yearn for the sea

for a barefoot shoreline walk

hands folded behind your back like a peasant

and your nose up in the briny air

you then understand that she was picking flowers

or was it caterpillars

dancing wildly by the roadside

the reason of being behind

and your constant glancing at the gate

for she was the hours

she was the hours

and saying this I realise

she had always been

here and now and there and then

all along

I will have to wait for hours

for her to deign glance back at me

to catch a glimpse of her like a shooting star

cowering in a corner when she flares like the sun

elbows on the gate to the prairie when she's the night

when she rains, looking ahead,

smiling when she appears in the doorway

when she leaves, smiling.