the empty spaces

once more, I’m tired
tired unwaking up
tired of sleeping

the cold next to me
the pillow still there
untouched
the empty space

above the bed
the light bulb
looks down at me
lidless pupil
it used to glow

no more light
as the dawn
breaks the clouds
your smell lingers
on the pillow
I need to go out

the streets slowly
stirring from slumber
the space so empty
so much it hurts
like tinnitus

the sounds around
don’t mean anything
or anymore
anymore

the cars, the stores,
the passers-by
it feels so empty
in the tube the crowd
yet I'm lost, and alone

the void around is
the void within
the silence often
the screams at night

treading the empty spaces
unlooking for you
where I first said
I love you
where you first smiled
and said
I love you back

I am where we were
happy once
happy once
your smell lingering
on the pillow
I see your smile
the memories bleeding
into one another
into reality even

breaking the veil

almost as if
you were here
but it’s just me
here again to shout
another message
hoping the wind
will carry it to you

I'm so lost
now you’ve gone
the world off-centre
spinning but
somehow stopped
clutching at the breeze

I still call your number
to hear your voice
on the answering machine
unthinking what will happen when
the voicemail will no longer work

did you get the letters
I wrote in my mind
and the pictures of
the places you liked
when we were there
now without you
I sent all the love
I had left

though I won’t send
your pillow, I cannot
I need it, like I need air
every breath
every breath
in and out

every time, you die again
every time, I die again

the empty spaces
in the bathroom
your toothbrush
on the couch
your half-read novel
on the pillow
your smell your hair
in the kitchen
your empty chair

you die again
you die, again
over and over
every day

but I keep you
deep inside me
where you won’t die
anymore
anymore
where you and I
will be safe
forever

watching the sun
set and rise
holding your scent
in the cup of my hands
white-knuckled

and the tears
through the tears
and gritted teeth
in the wind
your smell
the only thing
worth living
worth breathing

for a while
we are one
in between
empty spaces