Lone Wolf

"The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely."

Lorraine Hansberry, playwright and painter (1930-1965)

Song for the dead

J'étais qu'un pauvre cul-terreux

Dans un village poussiéreux

Ma belle toi t'étais un torrent

Qui balaie tout en un instant

Je t'aimais et tu brisais le temps

On était tous les deux

On se dit que l'amour est émouvant

Quand on veut être vieux

Parce que l'amour faisait pas semblant

Il était chaleureux

Il voulait nous donner des enfants

Il était sulfureux

On était portés par un grand vent

On n'était plus frileux

Mais l'orage s'est levé brusquement

Puis y'a eu un grand creux

J'étais qu'un pauvre cul-terreux

Dans un village poussiéreux

Ma belle toi t'étais un torrent

Qui balaie tout en un instant

On a l'envie d'aller de l'avant

Oui, l'envie d'être heureux,

Pourtant faire le moindre pas devant

C'est déjà dangereux

J'ai parfois fait le mort, oui, avant,

Pour éviter les bleus

Les coups bas, on s'en est pris tellement

Parce qu'on est amoureux

J'ai traversé les sables mouvants

Je voulais être à deux

Mais t'étais un putain d'ouragan

Et moi trop généreux

J'étais qu'un pauvre cul-terreux

Dans un village poussiéreux

Ma belle toi t'étais un torrent

Qui balaie tout en un instant

L'amour du coup devient décevant

Respirer douloureux

Et toi t'avances, tu dis : « Au suivant. »

Et moi je suis comme un gueux

On a des balafres de survivant

Je croyais que tout irait mieux

Mais je marchais comme un mort-vivant

Comme un vrai miséreux

Alors j'ai fait la guerre dans le vent

Avec les yeux vitreux

J'étais comme un bateau dérivant

Et qui sauve ce qu'il peut

Je suis toujours qu'un cul-terreux

Y'a rien dans mon coeur poussiéreux

Qui attend le prochain torrent

Pour être balayé en un instant.

 

Fragment #68

She appeared out of nowhere on that street

She was like a cornered deer

-- Listening to music, her hair slightly messy --

Darting defiant looks from under her brow

Her face closed -- if a little tense --

Her lips pursed with no apparent emotion

Staying her restless feet

-- She came forward packing up her earplugs

said her name a little too loud

And shook my hand firmly

Her profile had shown no picture

Her messages were to the bullet-point

Yet she was here now, larger than life

And smaller than her voice suggested

In a black mousseline dress

With red embroidered flowers 

Bright red lipstick and deep mascara

She looked hunted nonetheless

Her hazelnut eyes flitting about

And past my left shoulder

Everything about her said:

"Come and get me, I dare you"

I knew it wasn't my battlefield

Yet I answered the call to arms

And all of a sudden I realised

That I probably had the same sort of face, every once in a while,

That hunted expression

She was going to a ballet, she said

To justify her smart outfit and make-up

She sported a tote bag with spare clothes

And a smile to damn yourself for

I clearly damned myself the second I saw her

To recognise a hunted look means

you must have hunted something, once

And gorged on the fear before the kill

We had both hunted and been hunted

We had killed and spared

It was time to joust

Now the memory of her is tainted

The plain mockery of the finger

Finding the flaw and rummaging

Through the wound

She was hunting

Now she appears as in a haze

Distant and aloof

Condescending even as I messed up

Me wishing I hadn't said anything I said

The coup de grace was coming

I pity her, in a way,

For having to endure this ordeal

Yet she had the art to be hunted

-- To keep the hunt going I mean --

To worm herself into my waking dreams

Her perfume is now fading away

Her embrace yet remains intact

Her last lie a stone in the edifice

That will crumble and fall

Her last words already echoes

Everything is trite now and useless

The longing so damn strong yet gradually fading

Eventually falling apart, amid sighs and

Shoulders shrugging into the darkness

The mere

the calm pounding of our heart

like a slow marching-drum

waits and waits and waits

by the mere where no sound was ever made

rests in the vibrating nightlight

we feel drowsy with sleep

while the night kisses us

with heavy lips

rests our head on polished stones

tucking our body in the autan

still without a sound

– no bang, no whimper by the mere --

our hand, stayed at the first touch,

wishes for silence and a kiss

for the soothing blanket of music

like slow ripples on the surface

or like the longing for the warmth

of a hand, of a look

one meaningful look

there would be a familiar smell

an eyelash lost on a cheek

there would be a familiar step

and the evidence of the self

an embrace which neither

pity nor comfort commanded

the possibility of conversation

and – however transient –

the luxury of happiness

by the brooding mere

silhouettes brush past us

like leaves at the foot of a sycamore

nestled in oblivious postures

the night does that to us

brings us all sorts of visions

for it never is complete darkness –

this only do we achieve in our heart

-----------------------

time was wasted in colourless activities

now we observe, witness, record

the mind takes in, like hands on a clock

carefully penning an intricate story

which will only make sense

after it stops – yes, after it stops

yet by the mere, don't forget

that feelings are all and one

like the memory of the juggernaut crowd

its blind surge enveloping all eyes

this memory threshing afresh

our logical rage which prickles the skin

like ants riddling the body

– reminder of the machinery within –

the harpoons in the flesh

the dumbfoundness because we thought

our fears buried deep, so deep down

so far down we could forget them

yet we carefully curb the need to search

lest the darkness closes in upon us –

for the darkness lurks

its eyes spangle in the night –

so that we can put our mind to rust

staring with raised eyebrows at our white knuckles

and forgetting why it is we gnashed our teeth

-----------------------

shadows drift like shafts of light

on the coruscant mere

– 'tis a peaceful place

so distant from troubled times

that no sound reaches its shore

– silence magnifies its size –

the mere with maternal palms

caresses the tussocks, the trees

the stars on its surface

expertly fingering the tear on our cheek

as one would turn the page of a book

– we are close to falling asleep now

stillness does that to us –

our heartbeat ever so slow

our thoughts quieted

ready for the motionless flânerie

– and if, for a second, we expect sounds

to be made when we stir

we can rest assured the mere

will deftly cover them

in immeasurable silence

and wait, soothing and patient, for

the calm pounding of our heart 

 

Quietly into the night

Quietly into the night

we go

the moon a pillow

and clouds eyebrows to the stars

the night, the night, my boy!

We should welcome it

embrace it

do not rage against the dying of the light

embrace it as the birth of her Nightship

to go gentle into that long night

for time has lost its grip

remember

wondrous things happen at night

too shy to happen during the day

only then can rain really be rain

only then can it matter and be complete

at night one doesn't feel so lonely

feel free to roam the wind

the dark plains of dotlighted streets

the confusion finally died down

a faint tremor in the ground

the last metro to a steaming mug of tea

do not rage against the dying of the light

embrace it as the birth of all things gay

to go gentle into that good night

for light has lost its sway

the music bounces on the rooftops

and the blades of grass crack

concrete and tar open

a whole vegetation pops up at night

only to disappear come dawn

the cracks too minuscule to be discerned

the night relegated to nooks and crannies

just for a time

do not rage against the dying of the light

embrace it as the birth of a paradox

to go gentle into that soft night

for space has been placed in a box

the abyss calls out the abyss

blinded by the night's absence of shadows

no more shadows

no more shadows

the daylight too sharp not to outline our differences

'tis revealing too much

at least at night we have the comfort of being

with the same differences, the same sins, the same silhouettes

the same tessitura and the same thirst for quietude

do not rage against the dying of the light

embrace it as the birth of a fair song

to go gentle into that endless night

back to where we belong.

 

Between

the suspended lull between the words

the unhyphened space between the pictures

between the necessary blinking

the hiatus after the shutter closes

the driving force behind the unmovement

charged impetus into immobility

this is where we belong

careful anecdotalists chartering the mindscape

us photographers, writers, painters

this fixed moment of hesitation

the story untold, untellable

the halt between the gun shot and death

unfalling body

unwinding catastrophe

the pause between this breath and the next

the brush in both the hand's and gravity's grasp

the undocumented travel

perhaps undocumentable

the quest for the self

between the lub and the dub

and then

the soldier coming home from two years at the front

the father returning to his abandoned son after two decades

the hermit descending into the valley for her yearly supplies

past lovers running into one another

finding a yearbook thirty years later

you can't bridge this gap

it is too wide to be measured

too deep to be filled

even though you know

what must have happened

the story is between the layers

it was meant to be lost

time doesn't increase the magnitude of the loss

time contracts, and so do we

memories are snapshots in-between snapshots

conflated time in the hands of serendipity

meant to be lost

The Fire

I can still taste the salt of your long-lost, faded lips.

Your face I once held in the palm of my hands.

I approached your lips like I would a cup of hot tea

and burnt my heart and soul at the fire, the fire

raging, blazing inside you.

Ages ago we could have walked away

we could have run away from Fate

and hid where nobody would find us.

We did not, and I can still feel

the texture of your parched lips.

I know now that my best years are gone.

There once was a chance of happiness,

we died before it could take shape.

More the fools we were not to heed the signs.

This happiness was too real to last.

Fate was jealous. The Gods were jealous.

We paid. You died. Effaced from this world.

You had the fire none of the others had.

Only you could kindle my soul the way you did.

The others, the others put weights

when you showed me how to soar

how to soar with the flares engulfing us.

They could not feel the way you did.

They were posthumous attempts to revive you.

But you could not be resuscitated.

My friends, they wouldn't understand.

They still don't know. They will never know.

For them you are still living, somewhere.

And that memory has kept me going,

has fed my sad love and longing for your soft lips.

I know my best years are gone,

And I wouldn't want them back.

No, I wouldn't want them back.

But looking at that worn-out picture

for the hundredth time today,

my heart and soul, now a wasteland,

are still burning with the thought of you.

I'd give my last years to have you back.

I'd give my last years for a single day with you.

To kiss your lips once again, and for ever.

To see your smile. To be consumed entirely in the fire.

The fire, your fire is in me now.

 

Fragment #15

Same old, same old.

Love not coming,

stalled, incomprehensible

present, there.

Not out-of-reach, but.

That which I know already,

unsatisfying.

How did I come to this?

Like a magnet set exactly

the opposite polarity.

A note of anger,

unsettled. Unnerved.

Why do I bring this out

in people?

I must have let myself become

the wrong type of guy.

Perhaps I engage too much

in solitary activities.

Perhaps I have lost touch

with whatever life is about.

06/07/12, Tours, L'Adresse

 

What The Water Gave Me

When I first listened to this Florence and the Machine song, from Ceremonials (2011), the band's second studio album, I didn't immediately think of Kahlo's eponymous painting. I thought of Virginia Woolf. I know quite a bit about Woolf and have read and admired most of what she wrote, so it's no wonder it rang a bell.

What I couldn't make sense of at a second hearing I quickly researched, and it finally dawned on me that the song was far more complex than it appeared at first. I'm going to try and interpret the song in terms of imagery, and link it with its known sources and more. Everything I'll write pertains to my opinion, with which you're more than welcome to disagree and to which you can add your pinch of salt.

I hadn't shot wildly in the dark with Woolf and Kahlo. Here's what Florence Welch had to say about the song in an interview:

'"It's a song for the water, because in music and art what I'm really interested in are the things that are overwhelming," Welch said. "The ocean seems to me to be nature's great overwhelmer. When I was writing this song I was thinking a lot about all those people who've lost their lives in vain attempts to save their loved ones from drowning. It's about water in all forms and all bodies. It's about a lot of things; Virginia Woolf creeps into it, and of course Frieda (sic) Kahlo, whose painfully beautiful painting gave me the title."'

Here's a good quality version of Frida Kahlo's painting Welch is referring to.

Of course, death by drowning is a topos in all the arts (think of this this, this and that), so there's nothing new there. Nonetheless, it remains a powerful theme which Welch explores with a lot of insights and weaves it with the motifs of water, life and time.

I'll try and construct a(n almost) line-by-line analysis, so it will look pretty deconstructed...please bear with me. Each comment starts on the same line as the line it reflects on. (N.B. the lyrics can be had in a regular format from a link at the end of this article.)

Time it took us To where the water was That's what the water gave me And time goes quicker Between the two of us Oh, my love, don't forsake me Take what the water gave me Lay me down Let the only sound Be the overflow Pockets full of stones Lay me down Let the only sound Be the overflow And oh, poor Atlas The world's a beast of a burden You've been holding on a long time And all this longing And the ships are left to rust That's what the water gave us So lay me down Let the only sound Be the overflow Pockets full of stones Lay me down Let the only sound Be the overflow 'Cause they took your loved ones But returned them in exchange for you But would you have it any other way? Would you have it any other way? You could have it any other way 'Cause she's a cruel mistress And the bargain must be made But oh, my love, don't forget me When I let the water take me So, lay me down Let the only sound Be the over flow Pockets full of stones Lay me down Let the only sound Be the overflow (x2)

Water is here seen as the end of everything yet water gives much in its present state. We don't know yet what it is. Love seems to connect this “us” in the first line. Time is important, but it's both short (first line) and long. Like water, it's ambivalent (both benevolent and malevolent). It echoes very strongly with her last letter to her husband: “Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that—everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.” Water is still the source of a great gift, like something you'd pass on when you're gone Take a moment to read Michael Cunningham's beautiful prologue to his book The Hours. The pockets full of stone will thus make sense. As you can read at the end of the extract to Cunningham's prologue, sounds have a very important place, as in a lot of Woolf's writings (one example, read The Waves) The image of Atlas carrying a great burden but having to endure it is much reminiscent of Woolf who had to bear a great burden for a very long time, which is made poignantly clear in her lesser-known last letter to her sister before committing suicide:“Dearest, You can’t think how I loved your letter. But I feel I have gone too far this time to come back again. I am certain now that I am going mad again. It is just as it was the first time, I am always hearing voices, and I shan’t get over it now. All I want to say is that Leonard has been so astonishingly good, every day, always; I can’t imagine that anyone could have done more for me than he has. We have been perfectly happy until these last few weeks, when this horror began. Will you assure him of this? I feel he has so much to do that he will go on, better without me, and you will help him. I can hardly think clearly anymore. If I could I would tell you what you and the children have meant to me. I think you know. I have fought against it, but I can’t any longer. Virginia.” By the roundabout way, Atlas was made to carry the celestial spheres (i.e. the sky), not the Earth or the globe as commonly thought, on his shoulders. Initially I thought of Helen and the Greek fleet, but then I thought of Iphigenia. Made much more sense considering the ships left to rust could be the ones at Aulis because of unfavourable winds. Iphigenia is the daughter of Agamemnon who agrees to sacrifice her to gain back the favours of Artemis whom he has crossed – by the way I'm taking my reference from Euripides' Iphigenia in Aulis – but when it becomes clear to her that she'll be sacrificed and not married to Achilles as she was first led to believe, she decides to let her be led to the sacrificial altar willingly – it's a gut-wrenching moment in the play, forcing the admiration of many – in order to keep her honour intact. If we are left to think of Iphigenia accepting her fate, it makes a lot of sense to hear her ask to be laid down. Aulis is a port, so the overflow could be the flow and ebb of the sea. She doesn't commit suicide, but her death is, like Woolf's, connected to water. This could be said to Agamemnon, but it could also be said of many parents who have lost a son to war, or it could be said to someone who has sacrificed him/herself for the benefit of a majority, as in the example of Iphigenia. This 'she' could very well be Fate (often personified as a woman, and remember the old saying: “Fate is a cruel mistress”) with which bargains must be made, or sacrifices – but as in any shipwreck, some things can be salvaged. What the water taketh away, the water bringeth back. Complete surrender to the water, hence back to Woolfian motif. She 'lets' the water take her, having regained some control over her death. If you look closely at Kahlo's painting, you'll see that if the water reaches the overflow, it will submerge everything, even herself. The tram which knocked her down and broke her pelvis could have left her paralysed from the waist down, and her ability to walk freely would have been taken away from her. It left her in constant pain throughout her life, and the “lay me down” could be construed to refer to Kahlo's possible suicide (read Note 1 of this blog post which summarises the most contentious points).

In a nutshell, I was amazed to realise that this song deals with death and suicide in a subtle, literary way. The various 'surrenders' to water, the reference to the burden one has to bear, sometimes alleviated by time and water itself, will be submerged, overwhelmed by Fate, Life, Time – whatever name you want to give this driving force that sometimes drowns people metaphorically, psychologically, crushes their destiny underfoot. There is an element of resignation and acceptance on the narrator's part, which the imperative form also imparts on the person addressed (I / two of us / my love) some form of acceptance and resignation.

What Welch says in the interview, namely “ I was thinking a lot about all those people who've lost their lives in vain attempts to save their loved ones from drowning”, is to be taken both literally and figuratively: drowning is death by being submerged by a body of water, but also when your sorrows, your problems, your demons drown you. So it's not entirely Water specifically with which one fights, but Time, Life and Fate too. Bear in mind the way these are described as flowing, or seen like a an irresistible current against which one can't fight.

Finally, I have to say that I've always liked Florence and the Machine a lot, but I do even more so now. It's a great song with powerful, thought-out lyrics and great fitting orchestration (I wish I were better versed in music to be able to connect the instruments and the lyrics/sources).

I took the lyrics off Google Play Music. Follow the links to access the sources.

 

Bottles

I buried bottles in the ground when others threw them in the sea

I did so not in the hope to be found

– I was there to be methodically forgotten –

but in that they not be found by anybody else but me

– I remember the pounding of my heart when

my dirty nails were inspected by suspecting wardens –

– their message untouched, raw, like an overexposed polaroid

– the picture blurred for many while it would be so clear to me –

– so clear to me –

– like a knifestab to the side, a noose tightening my throat with emotion –

I filled bottles with words of hope, pain, love and betrayal

– while others emptied them for these very same reasons –

– all things began in Monemvasia –

the attachment to the ground, the attachment to the sea

– where I learnt that feelings could be stored in a bottle

only to be opened much, much later, even though

happiness and freedom may acquire a corked taint if left to sit for too long

– I – like these bottles – was a body with minimal supplies of air –

but buried over the ground – they thought gagging me would suffice –

– they should rather have tied my hands to have dumbed me altogether –

– these hands wrought more good because they could have been tied –

– this heart felt more love because it had been spurned –

– these lungs breathed more freely because they were constrained –

I buried bottles the way some bury their dead

– confined them to repose in the bosom of mother earth –

– keeping in those discarded shards on which I honed my music –

– like some would whet their knives –

– and suddenly, on the boat back from a beast of a place –

– a particular bottle – upon remembering what was in it –

weighted more and more heavily as the memory unfolded

– much like the weight of a coffin burying into your shoulder

walking from the hearse to the hole in the ground –

– the body inside so young, so frail, yet so heavy every step hurts –

– dark vessels in the sombre night of life and death –

– I somehow knew that these bottles would acquire a meaning –

– the same way a shooting stars gathers impetus –

– the same way dandelion gather momentum in the meltemi –

– when, back at my desk, they would conjure up vivid images –

– of gut-wrenching childness – of utter loneliness – of unconditional love –

– all from a handful of sand, stolen paper and a piece of burnt wood –