The day I became a woman

The day I became a woman

the heat sizzled up from the ground

blurred over the tarmac

of the dark blue driveway

the cloudless sky clearcut

neatly at the horizon

Dad said they’d barbecue 

steaks and sausages 

with the neighbours

in the evening

, when the air’d cool off

the crickets made such a racket

trying to find one, lying on my belly,

the ground’s warmth under it

watched their legs crisscrossing

making anodyne songs

to anybody who would listen

but the lawn needs mowing

, dad said to no one

put on something decent

ladies don’t stay all day

in their undies

, lady, he said to me

so my brother took the grass clipper

out of the shed so old it shed

brown, curly, paint-shavings

he was panting, sweat-pushing

the heavy blades spin-shearing

the shiny green mantle

perspiration drawing cityscapes

on the back of his undies

I didn’t like that boys could

wear what girls couldn’t 

he could stay in his underwear

I stood up, arms akimbo,

about to protest

Then I must have done something

it must have been the blades

of grass sticking to my chest

for dad looked up at me

transfixed, then

ran in slow motion

towards me

did I need to be saved

? were the grassblades cutting

into my flesh

? his gaze zeroed in on my belly

So I looked down at my panties

there was a ruby mountain, inverted,

right where my legs converged

like the reflection in a lake

right when sunset hits the top

I dipped my hand in its waters

a vague feeling of old pain

like a cold, hazy memory

In a blinding flash

I imagined the evening talk

around the chromed barbecue

the little one is a woman now

, they’d say

they grow so fast

lose their innocence so fast

, someone’d add

when I took my fingers out

glistening crimson

the urge came

to lick them

I knew that taste of metal

but wanted to know mine

but dad held my hand

my brother’s petrified eyes

at my gorgon-crotch chimaera

while dad washed my hand

in the sink outside

called out to mom

somewhere in the house

, the little one needs attention

, he said rather tersely

swiping his own fingernail

under mine to clear the clots

Am I in trouble dad

, I asked

no of course no you’re not

, he said ruffling my hair

, but now you can’t go about

strutting in your undies

, but why I asked

, because today you’re older

than you’ll ever be

, decide and guard

or decide and give

, he said

, he looked sad

his eyes slanted

handing me to mom

, yes I’ll do that dad

his big green eyes

shot into mine

, keep that fire up

, he said, and smiled

his back looked sadder

than I had ever seen it

The day I became a woman

the summer warmth

sizzled up from my stomach,

the crickets, the grass clipper,

my brother’s sweaty undies,

the smell of my own blood

as dad washed it up

all this fired up my soul

and burns bright still

so I decide

who to share

this fire with

and guard

and give