Showing posts with label Poems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Poems. Show all posts

Sunday 20 August 2023

The time of allshine

A shooting star like a van gogh brush stroke

cleaves the night into two resplendent parts

you ask me to make a wish

I close my eyes and implore

that ball of ice streaking across the void

to make me unknow you – as if we never met

not so I can meet you again for the first time

but so I can unthink of you forever

so I can start breathing and dreaming again

so I am unlocked in your love 

so I can unlive our happiness together

this so dearly-bought, terrible euphoria

which cost me all the peace I had.


Eyes still closed, the heart pounding,

I’m giving everything I have

to whatever force there is

in this hope-hued meteor

this lone rover I long to be

so you unexist in me now

so I am myself, once again.

 

Saturday 19 August 2023

Broken

When you implied

it was nice of me 

to disregard my feelings

over yours

– you broke something –


When you said

you had the premonition

we’d meet again

and then said we wouldn’t

– you broke something –


When you said you cared

but stopped paying attention

or asking how I was

or who I was becoming

– you broke something –


Yet you don’t realise this,

as all this is normal for you as

feelings are best read about in books

are what happens to other people

those with much sadder lives

– so you feel safe, don’t you –


Truth is, you broke so many things

you put so much distance between us

that we cannot go back to where we were

and this is probably what you want

because happiness scared you

you felt too young for it

not enough chaos

so you broke

and broke

until

 

.

Saturday 12 August 2023

The right to forget

– please let me go

so I can begin

to exist again

let me walk away

in the quiet of dawn

to deaden the hurt

– let go of my hand

so it regains the colour

unheld hands have


– for new things to begin

one needn’t

constantly resist

you know, or oppose,

you know, one can

simply unlove

simply forget


– please accept the return of

those gifts you left me

– those warm memories

that comfort as much

as they hurt –

only then can there be

the quiet, slow forgetting

one needs to uncast the mind

to trick the brain to unlove


– the skin hunger

will make the soul wilt:

this is expected

– it will ravage the mind:

that is also expected

– but it is necessary, 

like a soothing hand

wiping the sweat off

the evil the night accrued

shushing me back to sleep


– please give me back

my beloved solitude

so I can start anew

from the fond place

I once called home

– without you and

the memories of you

each of them like

the smell of a burning barn,

the screams of trapped animals

prickling the nape of the neck

in the afternoon heat


– let all your whirlwinds die down

– let your sandstorm be swept in corners

– erase yourself off of the back of my eyelids

where I hope to find a measure of peace

– fade from the mirror when next to me

you took a place none can take again

– let the ice sheet you cast about my heart

slowly thaw into caves, dark blue clearing,

where echoes thin into whimpers

and long-lost feelings of imprecision

of nearaboutedness resurface

slowly, drop after drop,

enabling me to crawl back to my old,

blurry, incomplete, terrible self

– inevident but firm, solid,

but much more vast and secure

than the island we lived on

in the comfortableness 

a loved one’s arms bring

in the sureness one feels

in the omphalos of the storm

where the calm jades

and love sustains

yet brings about that feeling

that it can be lost,

untrusted, or simply obscured 

by other islands coming into view

as the sun wanes

and the hand that once caressed

now blanches at the joints

in one last effort to retain


– please let me go

– because if you do not

I shan’t have the strength

it takes to break

the sentiments

to cover the soul

with that thin veil

against doubt and

against myself

and appreciate

the forgetting

the fading

of what

you once

were

Wednesday 9 August 2023

Ukko

I have seen flame auroras

mirror across frozen lakes

the ice singing underfoot

the heart of the stars, pounding


a white fox on the hunt

twilit eyes straight at me

and the knife at my chest

both of us ignoring the call


In the night of night

dance crackling fireflies

spangle the dark of the eyes

fairy about the flames


A thunderstruck tree

split in twain, waits for me

nods at my presence

smelling of cinder and hope.

Monday 24 July 2023

Beth

“Don’t look at him, Beth. He’s not –”

They couldn’t finish – words failed them.

Three weeks buried underground,

of course he couldn’t look right.


Folk know that when a mineshaft collapses

there’s no hope to be had down there

– god won’t ever delve this deep –

– men only confront the darkness

so they don’t die of cold and hunger –


It was already a miracle

they could get the bodies back

– thirteen good men,

buried, dug up – ironically

to be buried again, and

entombed – but more humanely,

with adequate decorum and 

the impression of an ending.


She stepped closer to the coffin,

his younger sister faltering in front

who looked inside recoiled quickly

starkly paler against her black veil

– as if she’d seen a ghost –

but no ghost, only brute reality.


Half his face was missing,

covered in a humble handkerchief,

the other half contorted,

the nerves on his neck – taut –

still gasping for air – ready to snap –

the scowl of death engraved.


The back of his hands all bruised

– he was missing fingernails too –

he must have known the earth

would eventually claim his life,

suffocate him, blind him, starve him

– he probably heard the others too,

muffled responses and moans –

and each in turn turning to silence,

listening to the sound of rocks

falling ever so minutely, tenderly,

as though tiny, whimsical atoms,

as if dallying back into place

because it was all meant to be.


Perhaps he spoke

of solitude to her

in the closed darkness,

spoke of love perhaps

in half-confessed words,

of regrets through gnashing teeth,

clenched fists and bleeding eyes,

thinking of the last time they talked.


The pallbearers in the slanting dawnlight

– shrouds of mist and breath alike

wrapping heads and necks like scarves –

hoisted the coffin down

in the consecrated ground

– so the living didn’t step on the dead –

thirteen good men lined up,

readied for the last repose,

hard-earned rest after the ordeal.


She was told she was the lucky one,

entrusted with the great mission

of fostering children on her own,

bearing a solitude that wasn’t hers,

– love goes on because life goes on –

– she wished, in that moment,

that the ground would open up

swallow everything and everyone

for them in time to become

the very coal they extracted,

died for, burnt to the core,

and buried its ashes, again.


Nothing opened up under her feet

but the vast, unforgiving expanse

of the years behind, the years ahead,

– the heartless toil without solace –

she loathed the dark soil where nothing grew,

which was taking more than it gave,

breeding children and desolation alike

– this sly, sleepless behemoth killing all –

– were not her husband about to dwell in

she would burn it, burn it all –

Thursday 20 July 2023

Reading lips

You think you can read minds

like you can read lips.

Let me tell you this: you can’t.

Some thoughts are quantum locked.

Some desires are a summer torrent.

Some ideas are skin lightly brushed,

minds maladdressed touches,

like lips yearning for a caress.


You think you can read minds

like you can read lips,

but lips mouth words unspoken,

tremble at eternity’s gate,

guard unforgivable secrets

hum a song, untraceable and unbroken,

which nobody, including you,

remembers how to listen to.

Sunday 9 July 2023

Since you died

A lot has happened since you died.


I lost the house you loved so much

– for which I’m very sorry –

I slept in our old car for a month

– then sold it too, needed the money –



Since you died, I visited the abyss

– several times over, in fact –

I gained thirty kilograms

– I lost thirty kilograms –

I wrote a play about us

and all the poems were about you

– even when they were not about you –

and I talk to you every day

– because you are everytime –



Since you died I met a lot of people

many of them I couldn’t trust

some I might have, given the chance

one whom I now do, and love

– she isn’t scared about me

   she isn’t troubled by the scars

   or the memories of you

   – she’s the most patient soul

      – you would like her –



Since you died, it’s been what, six years?

– no, seven years now –

   I’m losing count like I’m losing skin cells

   – each day built like a lifetime

      – entangled past, present, future –



Since you died I’ve slept with men

and I’ve slept with women

– I wanted to find love again

   seeking you in each and every one

– you know how people are stories

   – so I weaved myself in them –

      – finally finding that which I wasn’t looking for –

         – myself, of all things –



I’ve dreamt of you so fucking often

it often feels like you are still here

– it's silly but I kept for ever so long

your pillow case, unwashed

   – cursed be my sense of smell

      cursed be my thirst for remembrance –

I used it to bury my face

and cry to your pile of ash

– in the end I had to burnt the case

   – I couldn’t put it in the trash –



Since you’ve died

it’s time to let you go

– today I’ve decided that

   because I broke my love’s heart

   – undeservedly and out of love

      – the most complete heresy there is

         – I almost killed the two of us in the process –


So I need you to be, from now on

and for ever, in the past tense

– not because you’ve been gone for such a long time 

   but because you have been half of my life

   – and I have need of what is left of it –

      because I’ve been hurting since you died

      – and I can no longer wallow in that pain

         – that pain is not home, is not me

            – I too deserve rest, care, and love

               – for grief is that thing which fucking hurts

                  like a ton of bricks every morning

                  – it needs to stop, for both our sakes –


                     – It isn’t like you will die again

                        – you will simply become a fond memory

                           and, in time, a faded memory

                           – you’ll be somewhere in the walls of my heart

                              – like a name etched on the bark of a tree

                                 – each passing season diffusing

                                    less discernible each time 

                                    – until the tree gets too old to remember

                                       – forgets that it is a tree

                                          – now simply marking a spot where

                                             two people used to love

                                             – and the spot where now

                                                two people begin loving

thirty thousand people

The day was torn and grim birds yet began to sing as if they knew nothing’s eternal and old gives way to new that man, one day, will fall t...